they just don't know it .

i thought this was my time. my time to start new, and good. my beginning was good for like a while, then it always has to start crashing down again. underestimation is how it always starts and there's nothing i can do to change it. i feel so alone, even with a group of people. they don't know me . i feel so lost, so confused.

i need that person that has my back.
that person that you can go to with anything, anytime.
that person that helps you up when you've fallen.
that person that loves you at your worst.
that person that does't leave your side.

you know? basically, that "best friend."
i have one, or thought i did. but everytime i just end up falling harder & harder.
why me? what did i do now? why does this happen to me?

"i hate lonliness, but it loves me ."

i can't do this alone any longer. i'm already at the point to where i cry. & the funniest thing is no one notices. no one realizes what i go through or what i'm feeling. i hide it everytime, but i don't know how long i can keep going. sureee, i smile, but do i mean it ? sometimes.

normally i'm just dying inside. well most of the time i am.

i need someone who understands.

i found some people that could, but i think i'm wasting their time.

i hate myself, i make everything so complicated.

maybe i was destined to face life alone. maybe not.

who knows? cause i don't. *sigh .. fuuck my life .

i wish i was worth it. i wish i was worth having a best friend. or whatever you call it.

i need answers.

i remember our good days, as if it were yesterday. i remember all our memories as if i lived it every single day. i remember so many things i wanna forget. you knocked me down so hard, i cried. your words were completely untrue, yet i still tried. nothing made sense but i didn't give up. you don't understand, our past was so strong it's impossible for me to forget. to this day i still don't know what happend.
in fact, this very second im so confused. you tell me these things, then do another.
nothing connects, the pieces don't fit, some parts are missing.
for you this is probably easy, but for me? you don't even wanna know. i can't believe this is still on my mind. i know it shouldn't but i dont know. so many things remind me about it and it drives me insane. & you're not making it any better.

i'm in a new place.
why can't i give up?
why can't i forget?
this is my chance to start new.
should i feel this way?
wait, how do you feel?
it's the past. it's done. finished.

i was hurt so much, more than ever. i'm beginning to get up again, but somethings preventing me from doing so. but what?
there's always somethings reminding me of before. & it drives me insane.

i still wanna know your side of the story.
your perspective.
your opinion.

get this outta my head ! i can't take it anymore.
the past is eating me alive. but why ?

...i need answers

i think.

you shouldnt have anything to do with me.
i always mess everything up.
no wonder i always get hurt.
cause it's always my fault.
i'm so stupid.
i can tell, if something were to happen, it'll be on me.
it happens to me everytime.
it's kinda beginning right now, but i don't want it to.

damnit.
everyfuckingtime.